Attachments, Cleansing and Achievement

Elsa

Yesterday I achieved something special.

Ever since I was little I had this thing where I held attachments and had great difficulty letting go. Whether that’s letting go of past memories or physical objects it’s always been a problem. I think Autism does play a part in this but ultimately I became accustomed with this personality trait. All of this was an issue because I attached myself onto these things and I felt these memories or physical objects defined who I was when I was still finding my feet growing up.

Yesterday I decided to sort out my entire room before Christmas and I actually managed to throw out a lot of things that I haven’t used or seen for 10 years. I even gave some books and clothes to the charity shops as they were wasted in my wardrobe. I felt emotional as getting rid of things was not easy but I managed to tame my emotional attachment side and was resolute in my goal and decision.

It’s also worth pointing out as it feels appropriate that I’m only ever sad whenever I recall my younger years and childhood. In turn I’m at my happiest when I’m in the present focusing on my artwork and stories.  Why trap myself in the past where I’m living in the realm of what really matters; the present. With that in mind I decided to get rid of all the sources that link me back to my past. I partly did that throughout the years but I decided to get rid of everything whilst I was feeling motivated.

Yes it was emotional doing it but right here and now I feel cathartic and for the first time I drew my pictures and watched Match of the Day without so much as a fleeting thought.

 

Knowing not to reminisce is one thing but to put that into practice takes time and I feel I probably needed time to let go. I haven’t been able to do that until now. So, from this moment on I will not reflect on my past in my future blogs as that will defeat the object of my achievement. I will do what I’ve already been doing and that is discussing my current news, my art, anime and generally things that are relevant to me.

 

Christmas is coming and it couldn’t have come at a better time.

Thank you for reading. =)

Ryan.

 

ps, I also watched the anime film “Fireworks”. I enjoyed it very much. It was another great experience to watch an anime film at the cinema. =)

Negativity to Positivity: Letting Go

Ever since I made my important life decision one month ago I feel a positive change in me, or more accurately, I got rid of a heavy dumbbell that’s been weighing me down all this time.

I haven’t changed who I am I just got rid of that unwelcome weight of issues that stems from my past. Because thinking about my past was a habit I became accustomed to what I thought was the norm. I recalled sad memories, grinning and bearing them because I felt that I had to and not once did I take one step back and told myself to let it go… until now.

Now I feel like I can shine brighter and show everyone who I really am, the positive side of myself without getting too anxious. I feel like I have more time for many things and nowadays I don’t cram things in. If I was going out in the evening or tomorrow I would try and squeeze in my drawings and watch anime with the thought that I had to “make the most of it.” Now I feel like doing everything more than ever and if I don’t get the time to finish tasks in one day I see those future projects as something to look forward to.

My new frame of mind has also helped me with my literacy. In the past two months I read 20 to 30 manga and since I started editing my stories I noticed an instance improvement with my grammar and storytelling and how I convey them. No doubt there is room for improvement as I’m always learning something new but I am very excited about my development as an author. =)

Despite my epiphany I’m still not fond of socialising. Even on my best day and after cleansing my negativity I still struggle and get overwhelming headaches when I’m out socialising.

 

Thanks for Reading. =)

Ryan.^^/

Life and Decisions

manga_girls__yoko_littner__colour_version__by_alphadeltazeta-dalu1j3

I made a big decision today over a matter that I’ve been debating for years regarding writing an auto-biography about my life with Autism. Basically, I decided against it.

Since school I always envisioned myself writing an auto-biography as I felt it was my duty to rather than wanting to. Every time I dug down to my memory roots I would always end up feeling sad and feeding myself negativity. Nowadays I’m blessed with the fact that I can move on from the past but I had big problems when I was little, especially when trying to communicate with others. It was painful and frustrating not being able to talk to the point where it felt like they happened yesterday. I can still remember the pain I was in and how sad I was.

One day, today, I thought to myself if this was really worth it. Is it worth digging into my past and re-living those painful memories for the sake of sharing my story and possibly making some money through book sales? I came to the decision that it’s not worth it. I don’t want to think about those times let alone talk about them so why should I torture myself? I have a lot of wonderful stuff going on in my life right now and no matter how I look at it, living in the present, today, is far superior than re-calling the memories of the past. =)

With that, let’s talk about how good today is. =D

*

My life is wonderful at the minute. I’m editing my book after a few family discussions and I’m in the process of creating a huge database for my fantasy book so I can keep on top of my own information. =D

I’m really happy and touched by the amount of support I’m receiving throughout social media and art sites. =D I’m just happy if one person looks at my art but some of my art are getting more than 1 view. Some get over 10, some over 100 and remarkably some over 1000. Before I joined Deviantart I never would have predicted that I would receive so much activity with my art. Joining Deviantart is definitely one of my best life decisions to date.

I’m in the midst of tackling some fanart requests as I feel I’m ready to give it a go. So far I’ve completed 1 request out of 5 and at this moment I’m coping with the pressure rather well. I was asked to update my Yoko Littner picture by adding more colours and correcting the length of her right glove.

The final good news is that I recently reached the landmark of 30 completed pictures from my Manga Girls series. I find this exciting as this simple style of black and white with only the hair and eyes coloured allows me the freedom and time to complete pictures quicker. If I include backgrounds I focus too hard and take too long but if it’s just the lady, I can go all out as drawing girls seems to be my forte.

I amended and employed plenty of styles along the way and I actually think I get better every time I touch the tablet with my pen.

 

Thank you for reading, have a great weekend everyone. =D

Ryan.^^/

Negativity to Positivity: “What If?”

With Yoga it’s all about inner peace and enlightenment with yourself and others around you. It’s not necessarily about being bendy, that will come in time as it has with me.

My legs are more like rubber than bones now. 😀 Sometimes we overthink about the “what-if’s” rather than realize what’s actually true and what’s happening right now.

“What if”, from my experience, are triggered by thinking about the past and looking to the future. Of course I can’t change the past or predict the future so really there’s no point in worrying about things that won’t happen.

What if I was a football player? What if I went to a secondary school? What if I go to USA next month? I could literally go on and overthink but that doesn’t benefit me in the slightest.

Instead I just focus on what I’m doing now, in the present. At this moment in time I’m making some notes of my fantasy story then I plan to upload a picture and read Strike the Blood novel right before the Euros knockout stages. What a fun day this will be. =)

We all get into these traps of “what if’s” as it’s human nature to do so. And that’s when Yoga comes in. To me, yoga isn’t about seeking perfection, it’s about celebrating what human is and unwind from the stresses of work and over-thinking from daily lives and the “what-if’s.”

 

Hope you all enjoyed reading my blog,

Have a good day. =)

Ryan.^^/

Kitacon Karnival Experience: Part Two

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(Kitacon Karnival Experience: Part One)

  1. BAD START TO THE DAY

The morning was not the perfect start to the day, for many reasons. I woke up late for breakfast as my alarm didn’t go off. I also accidentally yanked off my golden wristband. I was trying to adjust it as it was giving my wrist a bit of a rash. When it came off I was like “is it really that important?” and threw it in the bin. It turns out, as I found out later, it was VERY important. I wasn’t allowed in the dealer’s room so I had to go back upstairs and retrieve it from the bin…

Then, when I went to the game’s room the crew spotted that my wristband was *cough* damaged. Zen guided me to Ops where the crew gave me a replacement. After all this I decided to go back to my room to unwind where I learned there and then that I accidentally locked myself out of the room. I left my keys inside. It just so happens that my brother had a second key.

I did feel embarrassed at my own clumsiness so I decided to spend a while in my room to chill out for a bit.

  1. DAY TWO at the KITACON and STREET FIGHTER TOURNAMENT

I spent the rest of the day mostly talking to cosplayers and taking photos. I found them all pleasant to talk to but my confidence was a little bit shaky.

Socialising is still a big learning curve for me but I feel like I’m able to read situations better than ever and gauge people’s reactions slightly better than I did the year before. I think on this day in particular I probably did put myself under unnecessary pressure to socialise and I think my approach to some conversations did come across as unnatural and nervy. Luckily all the cosplayers are very nice and understanding of each other, even though we don’t necessarily know each other all that well. That’s the kind of vibe that I get from everyone. It’s that kind of atmosphere.

At one point during the day I did feel like I’d had enough and felt I would rather be at home. But, I still tried to make the most of it whilst I was there and told myself that I was going to be more active in the evening and see what happens.

Later on I took part in the Street Fighter V Tournament despite the fact that I’ve never played the game before. I was never in it to win I just wanted to play the game as I thought it would be a lot of fun.

  1. THE MASQUERADE and the PARTY

The Masquerade was a daunting experience and it was the first ever masquerade I had ever been to. I was extremely thankful that I got a VIP badge as I was allowed front row access right on the side so I could disappear anytime if it got too overwhelming. I found that reassuring. The atmosphere was not as loud and energetic as I thought it was going to be, instead it was just cheers and clapping and I don’t mind that so much as we’re supporting the cosplayers on stage.

I did my utmost best to get as many pictures as I could but everything was happening rather quickly and unfortunately I didn’t manage to take as many photos as I would have liked. I was disappointed but I did the best I could. It went on for quite a while and I did enjoy it but I think it ended at the right time, at least for me personally, as I can’t really be in a room in a large crowd for too long.

I went to my room to have a long rest after the event was done.

A couple of hours later I found my brother and good chum Chris and we danced in the party. I liked the party on the second day more than I did on the first day and I felt that it was because I was hanging around with a group whom I was familiar with whilst interacting with new people at the same time.

I spoke to a very nice lady. I think she’s a very interesting person and I enjoyed talking to her. It felt natural and I felt comfortable, a couple of years ago I might have made a polite excuse to go away from an impromptu conversation. Instead, I braved it and spoke to her. =)

I was also part of that humongous conger line and I was near the front, right behind the person who was videoing it with her camera phone. The best part of the conger line was that a Stormtrooper was right behind me. =D That conger line was fun and when it finished I decided that it would be a good time to leave and go to bed. I was in a good mood but I still had a very bad headache. If I left now, it would be on a high.

So I did.

  1. LAST DAY

It was nice and calming on the last day even though I did feel very ill in my head and body. I think because I had been speaking to so many people over the last couple of days, I felt the energy was zapping away from me. It was the right time to go home.

I did manage to take some more pictures on the last day but I wasn’t feeling as energetic as I had been, but I think most people were probably feeling the same.

OVERALL

It was a very good experience and probably one of the best experiences I’ve ever had in my life. I think this Kitacon was a lot better than last year’s Kitacon and I think it helped that I had prior experience and that there was not as many people this time around.

I’m always going to be ill and be faint in huge crowds and socialising with people but I can will myself to ignore the negative emotions and enjoy the good times that were presented to me. I had the courage to speak to more people this year than I did last year and I even managed two parties in a row.

I had some good moments and some rather bad moments but everything I did was a big fun learning curve and I’m really glad that I went. I’m growing in confidence year by year and I’m learning to be comfortable with new people as well as with my current friends.

I’m also learning not to put unnecessary pressure on myself as things will happen naturally if you live in the moment rather than plan the future.

WILL I GO TO NEXT YEAR’S KITACON?

I’m not sure. There are more positives than negatives about this year’s Kitacon, for me, so I do feel more encouraged to go than not to go. But, I still don’t like planning or thinking too hard about it as I will feel apprehensive.

 

Thanks a bunch for reading, I’ll see you next time. =)

Ryan^^/

Kitacon Karnival Experience: Part One

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(Kitacon Karnival Experience: Part Two)

  1. LAST YEAR

I first went to Kitacon last year so I had a rough idea what it would be like this year. Big events like this can be tough and challenging for me due to my autism. This means that I tend to get overwhelmed in huge crowds, meeting new people in unfamiliar surroundings and loud noise. It was a shock to my system when I first went to Kitacon to the point where I went for long periods of time feeling faint and dizzy. I sometimes felt that I couldn’t think or move properly whenever I went to panels or spoke to new people.

I experienced a lot of highs and lows last year and admittedly I was anxious about going to this one.

  1. THE ANTICIPATION

In the end, after much discussion with my brother and my family, I decided that I wanted to go. Last year I think I put too much pressure on myself and tried too hard to experience everything about Kitacon rather than doing what I wanted to do.

When it comes to big events or social gatherings like Kitacon I will always feel faint, dizzy and suffer many headaches due to the stress of meeting new people and socialising. I’m very self-aware of who I am and I’m no longer ashamed of what I am. I will always suffer from these quirks but I’m able to cope and subdue the negative emotions that I often experience. Even if I do feel ill at certain moments I can still enjoy the times that’s given to me and think positive. =)

  1. FIRST DAY AT KITACON

I settled in the building much better than I did last year, and it helped a great deal that I got the same room from last year too. I got into the Kitacon spirit quite well. I knew that my art was going to feature in the Kitacon book but I submitted two back in January and I was not sure which one was going to feature. It was my illustration of Kirin from The Asterisk War anime. It was a really exciting moment when I saw the picture in the programme for the first time. It was a humongous achievement for me and I was excited at the prospect that a lot of people from Kitacon were going to see it. That book is definitely a special souvenir. =)

The uneasiness that I felt for obvious reasons suddenly faded to the back of my mind and I then had the confidence to go round and take photos of cosplayers in their amazing outfits. I was more confident at taking people’s pictures this year. I still had to prepare myself mentally to ask their permission but it was much easier to approach them. They were all friendly and I managed to make small conversations with some of them. This lifted my spirits and my confidence went even higher and I like to think that I was able to speak to so many people because of my photography. Taking photographs was the perfect icebreaker for me otherwise I don’t think I would have the courage to speak to anyone at all.

There were some panels that I didn’t enjoy last year, namely the Hentai Panel, because it was so crowded it made me feel unwell so I decided to leave. I decided to give the Yuri Panel a try but I was a little bit anxious about that panel as I anticipated it was going to be like the Hentai Panel from last year. Surprisingly, I really enjoyed it. The two ladies spoke about the concept of Yuri, played a few clips and showed a few photos of female couples, including Harley Quinn and Poison Ivy. There were some very risqué photos and clips but it didn’t overwhelm me once and I think it helped that I sat right in the corner near the back so I could “escape” anytime but luckily there was no need to “=)

I was nearly tempted to go to the Burlesque show but by this time I felt that I needed a rest from socialising and big crowds and I went back up to my room for a couple of hours to be on my own in the peace and quiet.

After some respite I went to the party with my brother to dance to the loud music. I didn’t really enjoy it this time around as my body started to feel light and I was suffering with a really bad headache. I was really quite ill by this point so I left the party early to go to bed.

I didn’t particularly have a good night, I was restless for stress related reasons and for the sheer fact that I was sleeping in a bed that wasn’t my own. However, I wasn’t as homesick as I was last year and that was a humongous positive. The other positive so far was that I get to spend some more time with my niece as this was her first ever holiday away from home and I can say that I was part of that. =)

*

Thanks for reading, stay tuned for part two. =)

Ryan^^/

Recovering

Hi everyone.^^/

 

Usually when I’m under the weather I get the odd cold here and there, especially around Christmas. However, I’ve recently been under the curse of both a throat infection and a chest infection.

 

I’ve felt rather sick to the point where I felt dizzy when I was reading text and walking around the house. I’ve been chilling these last few weeks by watching stuff on TV. I’ve been watching Disney Films, White Chicks, Football, Marvel films, Jessica Jones, Only Fools and Horses and anime.

 

I do think I am on the mend as my appetite for food is gradually coming back and I can read text for longer periods. I can even draw on my tablet now a little bit which I’m very happy about. Not being able to draw or write did make me rather unhappy. To compromise I drew on paper for a couple of days, and I spent half an hour last night drawing Alice Nakiri from Food Wars! on the tablet. It turned out really good and I intend to use that Alice picture to be my profile picture on websites like MyAnimeList and Pixiv.

 

I still do have a few dizzy spells and coughing fits here and there but I just need to remember to take it easy. I’m not the type who likes to just chill out as I like to keep myself busy. Sometimes though you have to adapt to situations and in my case I had to do nothing in order to get better, and as of right now, I’m still recovering.

 

Right now I’m going to go and watch the latest episode of Dagashi Kashi and then watch Non Non Biyori back to back. =)

 

Ryan.^^/

My Second Year Blog Anniversary

Goodness me. It’s official. I have been blogging for two whole years. Well, just over two years as I am posting a day late. Whoops!

 

I originally started blogging on WordPress but in July I opened up my own site as well as a blogging site, right here. I feel that that was one of my biggest achievements this year as it took me some courage to put myself out there on the internet, especially my art.

 

I think between November last year and November now my approach to blogging changed. Before I somewhat forced myself to write for the sake of writing it, especially when it came to reviewing anime. However, in that time, I decided to blog when it feels appropriate to talk about something.

 

Now, I will share with you some of the blogs that I feel were most significant from 16th November 2014 to now…

 

  1. A New Yoga Place

I went to a new yoga place on my own for the first time.

(http://ryanspeakman.co.uk/blog/2015/02/20/a-new-yoga-place/)

 

  1. Applying For a Passport

How I handled the situation and circumstance of applying for a Passport.

(http://ryanspeakman.co.uk/blog/2015/05/15/applying-for-a-passport/)

 

  1. My Birthday Weekend.

What I got up to on my birthday.

(http://ryanspeakman.co.uk/blog/2015/06/28/my-birthday-weekend/)

 

  1. Kitacon

The Kitacon experience was very, very special. This blog contains four parts.

(http://ryanspeakman.co.uk/blog/2015/07/31/kitacon-part-one-the-anticipation/)

 

  1. My Theory about Autism and Repetitive Movement

I came up with a theory about autism and repetitive movement.

(http://ryanspeakman.co.uk/blog/2015/07/01/my-theory-about-autism-and-repetitive-movement/)

 

  1. Becoming an Uncle

My thoughts on becoming an Uncle for the first time.

(http://ryanspeakman.co.uk/blog/2015/09/28/becoming-an-uncle/)

 

  1. A Time to Celebrate

I was celebrating for many reasons.

(http://ryanspeakman.co.uk/blog/2015/09/13/a-time-to-celebrate/)

 

  1. Halloween Party 2015 and Sting

How I got on socially at the Halloween party and thoughts on dressing up as Sting.^^/

(http://ryanspeakman.co.uk/blog/2015/11/02/halloween-party-2015-and-sting/)

 

THANKS FOR READING

 

Blogging has become a very fun hobby of mine and I feel like I’m getting better at writing with every single post.

 

Now, I am preparing myself for the England versus France game. For once, I am supporting both nations, not just my own. Simply because there are things that are happening in the world that are much bigger than Football, and this game in particular will highlight that very well. I’m not sure if I will be able to sing the French national anthem, but I will give it a try or bite my tongue trying.

 

Thanks for reading, have a good evening.^^/

Ryan.

Negativity to Positivity: Thinking Rationally

Mr Happy

Snow Tidings.^^/

I’m having a good start to the New Year. Unfortunately though my cold has come back, and I put that down to the fact that my home town has welcomed heaps of snow. It’s rather unfortunate as when I get a cold I tend to lack sleep and do a lot of over-thinking. In my case being unwell means not really thinking rationally.

I consider myself quite chilled and I can usually let things go and take each moment as it comes. However, when my body and mind is not functioning properly I do sometimes feel negative and re-visit past events which weren’t necessarily happy times. Sometimes it’s not necessarily re-visiting past events, it can be the little things that make me worry and feel negative, even if they’re not major issues.

Just now I was spoilt for choice which manga to read. I wanted to read all five at once and I wanted to watch anime as well, but I couldn’t decide what to do. Thus, I got myself a little worked up and was worrying unnecessarily. Worrying about this simple thing makes me worry about things that worried me in the past as well. It can be a recent worry or something from some time ago. Either way I tend to feel negative when I’m very tired and/or under the weather. I then worry because I’m sitting here and worry about worrying. Haha.

Normally I can think rationally but when I’m under the weather thinking rationally can be tough because my mind is not thinking straight. When I try to think rationally my mind gets really blurry because my mind is combating with many emotions and thoughts at once. Really, in this case, it’s easy to just try and force them out of your mind. But, I find that if I tell myself “don’t worry about it” I worry about it more because it’s still on my mind. Every little thing becomes a big deal.

But, even if the little things make me worry, it’s the little things that cheer me up. In this case, stuff like Non Non Biyori. I mentioned this anime heaps of times in previous blogs. I really do like this anime and I dare say that it’s probably my favourite anime of all time. If it isn’t then it’s definitely in my Top Five of my favourite anime. My feelings of watching Non Non for the first time is similar to the feelings of when I first watched Thomas the Tank Engine for the first time. I was simply excited when I heard that Seven Seas are going to publish Non Non this June and I can’t wait until it comes out.

Watching Non Non makes me forget about the little things that I’m worrying about. And gradually, those worries disappear. It’s not just Non Non that cheers me up, a bunch of little things cheer me up. I’m talking about drawing my comics, writing my story, reading manga and hanging out with my family. It doesn’t make me less dizzy but it does take the sting out of being under the weather. I feel relaxed when doing these things. Relaxing to me means being happy and focusing on things I like to do. And, I need to remind myself to go to bed early instead of staying up just for the sake of it. Haha.

THANKS FOR READING

 Non Non Biyori Wallpaper

My mission for now is to keep warm and keep enjoying myself. Publishing my book onto kindle is taking quite some time but I won’t worry about that. Feeling negative when you’re ill I think is natural and it can be difficult to get out of that slump… but it’s not impossible. =) I’m now going to go away and watch some Nisekoi. =D

Thanks for reading.

Namaste.^^/

Ryan.

Feeling Lucky

Non Non Biyori Wallpaper

Good Tidings.^^/

It’s been an awfully long time since I attended a yoga class. It’s both due to the Christmas period and coming down with a cold. I’m going to yoga tomorrow for the first time and I’m feeling somewhat anxious. I enjoy yoga but because I’ve not been for a good while I started to feel anxious as it’s currently out of routine. However, this evening, I felt a sudden ray of happiness.

I was cleaning my room and I suddenly realised what a lucky life I have. Apart from the minor cold, I have good health. I have a nice family and good friends. I also have a bunch of manga and anime goodies, including drama CDs, manga, a few figures and a heap of Thomas the Tank Engine memorabilia. I also have a bunch of DVDs and blu-rays of Iron Man and Captain America. I have a bunch of games from Super Mario to Atelier Escha and Logy to Senran Kagura. I also have the Non Non Biyori calendar 2015, which I’m especially thankful about. =D

What I’m especially thankful for is my own creativity. I can draw any time, write any time, and come up with the next story as I see fit. I can also use this opportunity to write a bunch of haikus whenever I feel inspired. The world is my oyster when it comes to being creative. =D

What I’m trying to say is that sometimes when I become familiar with everyday life I sometimes forget that I’m in a very good position in life. I would have said that I probably take things for granted but I don’t take things for granted, I just forget how lucky I am. So, next time I’m I’m feeling anxious, which will always occur every time I go out, I will remind myself the life that I’m living. And that is a happy one. =)

Thanks for reading.

Namaste.^^/

Ryan.