Are you the type of person who holds grudges? I was, I had many in fact.
Growing up was painful in many aspects, especially if you can’t communicate well. I sometimes would say things that were rude and not realise that they were rude. Or, I said things I knew were rude but I didn’t know how to explain myself. I was a bit scared to explain why I said things in case I was being judged. I didn’t want to do anything that was deemed as “wrong” or do anything to tarnish my ‘polite gentleman’ reputation known to everyone.
It did feel that I was often judged because of the things I said. I would receive a stern telling off for being “rude” and “ignorant” and generally having no manners. I was always fighting a losing battle and not being able to explain my actions was extremely painful and it somewhat scarred me. Later on in life I received harsher warnings and criticisms if I made a mistake or messed something up that put everyone out.
So, I ended up having a grudge against many people, especially my teachers. From my point of view they showed no interest in trying to understand my needs. Or rather, they thought they knew me but really they didn’t know a thing. I felt they were being cruel for no reason. It was always a losing battle. I would sit back and let them tell me off for being “rude” because I knew if I attempted to explain, or I would be accused of “answering back”. It always a ‘heads you win, tales, I lose’ situation.
They looked from their point of view and never tried to look from mine. Did they think that I wanted to be rude? How did they think I would feel when they were constantly reminding me of my mistakes? It’s not like I ever intended to be rude or deliberately get things wrong. So, why did everyone have to yell at me for doing something or saying something unintentional? Many emotions and many thoughts ran amok through my mind.
I think really, because it was an SEN school we were bought up to be polite “ladies” and polite “gentlemen”. When we greeted anyone, we were expected to shake hands as it was the “right thing” to do. But realistically shaking hands would only happen during formal occasions not on a daily basis. All in all I think that they were trying hard to make me into a “man” that they lost sight of me as a person. So, if I said anything “rude” or did anything “wrong” my teachers were quick to let me know.
As you can imagine, I had little confidence when I left school. I was scared to have my own personality and make friends with people in case I was judged or I said the wrong thing. This is where some of my grudges came from. I had a grudge towards many people as I felt I was never given the freedom to be myself, instead, I had to act in different ways to meet certain people’s “expectations.”
Now I’m a lot older I realised, naturally, that there are many people with many colourful personalities. So, why could I not have my own personality? My confidence sky rocketed towards the latter part of my Uni days and I like to think that I have an identity that I call my own. Many different people accepted me for the person I was and this made me feel more confident about myself. I gradually relaxed more and made some friends. =)
It still felt bitter though, because I felt that I did miss out on making friends in my younger days. Not now though. How I am right now has nothing to do with my past self. I’m in a good place and I have no need to bear grudges against the “scars” of my past. We can think about the past, we can consider what happens tomorrow but we all actually live for the moment. So that’s why I’m no longer caught up with living in the past. I am here, right now, sharing this story with a smile on my face. I’m in a good frame of mind.
It’s important to bear in mind that people who misunderstood me did not necessarily act out of malice, but out of ignorance and lack of consideration. That’s how I see it.
I’m not thinking about the past (at least until I was writing this blog, haha) I’m thinking; which food shall I eat now? Which new Anime shall I watch now? I hope Date A Live is available on Crunchyroll. Should I re-watch D-Frag? I fancy writing some notes of my story. I partly fancy drawing a fanart of Kirisaki Onodera from Nisekoi: False Love. I also want to watch the Simpsons on Sky One. Haha.
What do I feel like doing now?
That’s the question I always ask myself, and it’s the question that I’m asking myself right now. =D I felt like writing this blog so I wrote this blog in the given moment. But this moment is going to turn old in ten minutes time. So that’s why I never think about the past or future, I just live for the now. =)
Easter is finally here. =D I’m going to have a hot cross bun for dinner, will you? I wonder if the Easter Bunny will bring me chocolate this year? I guess I’ll find out next week. Haha!
Hope you have a wonderful weekend and a wonderful Easter.