Some of us have personal insecurities that others know nothing about, some more than others. Insecurities tend to arise through lack of confidence or through a bad experience. For me, I suffered with insecurities when I was younger.
My past insecurities were centred on Autism and to some degree I still have these insecurities. I never really communicated with anyone or spoke with anyone until I was about ten years old. I felt comfortable enough to try and speak but I never felt comfortable in social situations. I started to grow my own personality and sense of self when at home. But, for many years, especially in my college years, I left my personality, quirks and everything I represent at home. When I walked out of the front door, I felt very insecure and anxious.
I was fairly ok at my school. I attended there for 13 years and I grew accustom to it. It was quite a culture shock when I left school and attended college on a full time basis. Back at that SEN school there was an average of 30 students per year. In my last year, there were even less than that. Suddenly, I went to a facility from 30 students to 30,000 students… quite a significant difference, especially for someone like me.
I can’t express how quiet I was, I severely lacked confidence. For many college years I was very quiet and subdued as I was overwhelmed by the amount of people, big place and different atmosphere. Back at my old school I was somewhat confident and could somewhat be myself. In my college days I completely held my personality back, leaving it all at home.
I didn’t know how to represent myself to everyone else. I was often judged for being quirky during various activities during school and outside of school. So, I figured the same thing would happen in my college years. So, to avoid being judged, I kept quiet. If I didn’t do anything bad or say anything memorable then I won’t develop an unnecessary reputation or leave an impression. Because of my conflicting thoughts I never truly enjoyed my college years and at times felt lonely. I felt lonely in other social situations too. All because I was scared of others judging me for being the way I am.
I often mention in my blogs that Autism is the root of my insecurities and it still plays a part today. Back in my younger years I felt very vulnerable and hopeless. I’m happy talking to other people like me, but, if I go to an Autistic environment I get a rush of anxiety. I don’t hate myself for being Autistic, far from it, it’s just that when I go to an Autistic environment my body and subconscious remembers what I was like back then. In those situations I remember feeling vulnerable, feeling worthless and feeling as though I have no voice or a right to make my own decision. It’s unfortunate that I have these insecurities, but, they’re not as bad as they were in the past. It’s just an intermittent occurrence.^^
- Body Image
Body image has never really been an issue for me. When I was younger I started to grow hairy legs. Every time I did P.E. all the girls would laugh at them. As I result I became embarrassed and self-conscious. It was only until I got to college that I realised that having hairy legs is not uncommon for a man, so, accepting that part of me was not a problem. One of the children I once knew used to call me a monkey as a result of having hairy legs… that was funny and I had no problem accepting that whimsical nickname. XD
I would say that I’m more health conscious rather than looks/weight conscious. All food is healthy if you eat it in a balanced manner. I actually go out of my own way to ensure that I have chocolate and biscuits at least two or three times a week… life is good. =D
- The Way I am
My issue is all about me expressing myself and being myself in social situations. It’s only these last couple of years that I could leave the house without leaving my sense of self behind. I’m in a really good frame of mind and in good health. I like the way I look as well, if I wasn’t happy with how I look, then, I would have overhauled my entire appearance. Haha.
I feel that my life is the work of fate. There’s a reason why I grew up this way. There’s a reason why I look the way I do. There’s a reason why I experienced what I have experienced. And there must be a reason as to why I was born Autistic… I feel quite special (no reference intended) for being the way I am. I feel like being Autistic was thrust upon me since birth, just like how a title is thrust upon the future King or Queen of England. =)
- Parting Wisdom
In the last yoga session the yogi instructor finished the session with a wonderful valediction (yes, that is a word, I didn’t make it up…honest!). She said that we all have the capabilities of changing the world but we shouldn’t get caught up in the troubles of the world. Don’t let the world influence you, you influence the world! I rather like that sentiment and I will try and steal those words and say them to someone. Muahahaha.
THANKS FOR READING
Well, that was fun. Oh, by the way, I watched classic movies recently like High Society and Dances with Wolves, they’re fun to watch. I’m also spending the time re-watching Non Non Biyori and Locodol. I’m attempting small fanmade comics of them for my own use. I’m enjoying them very much. =D
Thanks for reading.