Holding onto Attachments

Thomas and Gordon 2

From my personal experience holding onto attachments can come in many forms whether it’s with physical objects, past memories and emotion.

Finding my own identity was always an issue for me and it was tough as my autism was severe back then and I did not adapt well to change, especially clothes. Every time I would have to change shoes or get new shirts I would get really upset as I felt that I keep on losing my identity, every time.

I really dislike letting go of things so I started to attach myself to everything whether its old objects like clothes, past school works, old ideas for my story and even reminiscing about my past. I really didn’t like this but because I was consumed by all of this I felt that my past thoughts and past objects and emotions were parts of my identity as a person- maintaining the status quo, not adapting to change.

However, one day, I decided to change my mind set. Why should I remember sad thoughts? Why am I holding onto things and not letting go? That was when I realised that I’ve attached myself to objects and emotions as I convinced myself that’s what my life is like.

By focusing on the things that make me happy now I gradually detached myself from the sad memories and past objects. They include anime like NEW GAME and Non Non Biyori, hanging out with my family, Vlogging, Blogging, Art, Writing, Yoga, the list is endless.

Attachments are not bad, you just have to recognise the good ones from the bad ones and it very much reminds me of change. There’s good and bad change in time. As time ticks every second we are living in the present of that tick-tock on the clock with something to look forward to in the future. If time stopped, we would stop, frozen solid and never moving.

The only nostalgia that I kept from the past that still exists in my life today is the presence of Thomas the Tank Engine. Some of you will already know why he was and still is very important in my life. That is a happy attachment. =)

Attachments, emotions and memories are very powerful to the point where you do question your own identity. It wasn’t easy and it did take a lot of time but when I focused on my current happiness I gradually detached myself from the sad memories and the things that made me sad without realising it. In time, they disappeared completely. They may pop up every now and again but pop ups are insignificant to the bigger picture.

I questioned if I was sad, if I was a monster, if I was autistic and so on but those days are now behind me. Being happy made me realise just who I was and that defines me perfectly. =)

Applying For a Passport

UK Passport Cover

Last Monday I went to an interview to apply for a British Passport.

I was a little nervous as I got the letter back from the Passport people saying that I was required to have an interview, which was not really a problem. It was my first time that I ever went for a passport interview. It was going to be a completely new experience, however, on the leaflet it says that if you have a disability and you need someone to be in the interview with you, please let them know. Mum came with me as I don’t travel by myself and in case I got anxious and didn’t understand the procedure.

As is so happens I totally forgot about the arrangement and only remembered the day before. Haha. So, the anticipation build up wasn’t as bad as it usually was. I can probably handle situations better when I don’t have too long to think about it.

I didn’t really know where this place was but I enjoyed having a good walk around in the warm sun. We found the place eventually and I went into the reception area with my parents.

We actually learned, there and then, that nobody was allowed in the booth with me. I started to get nervous at that point. The problem wasn’t me going in on my own it was the lack of understanding shown by the receptionists. This did not fill me with confidence. She was also rude to my Mum and was a little patronising towards her.

My Mum tried to explain why she would go in with me, not to speak on my behalf but to re-word questions if I didn’t understand them. This is a big occurrence in my life where I don’t always understand what people say, especially when they generalise. However, the receptionist wasn’t really listening or rather she was too busy enforcing the rules.

So far I wasn’t impressed with how unwelcoming the passport people were. If the receptionist was not very accommodating then how accommodating would the interviewer be? I started to lose confidence in the fact that they weren’t going to consider my needs. It seems like they don’t really cater for people with Learning Difficulties or Autism.

The interview lady eventually called me in and she was actually really nice and friendly. By the way that she was talking it seemed like she was more than familiar with people with special needs. She was very open-minded and she did seem experience when it came to communicating with people like me. All the interview questions were very simple to understand so I didn’t have any trouble answering her questions.

I spent about 25 minutes in there and I felt actually ok by the end of it. I was somewhat surprised how well I handled the situation, especially when the receptionist dropped the bombshell that I wasn’t allowed to bring someone in with me. I could have buzzed Mum to come in if I wanted but I was doing ok by myself.

I handled that situation really well actually but I was disappointed with the lack of consideration that the staff did show. It stresses in the leaflet that if you have Learning Difficulties and you need someone to come in with you then to let the passport people know. In a way, I did find this misleading. If it was clear that I wasn’t allowed to have support in my interview, then that would have been fine. But if it’s not ok, why mention it in the leaflet in first place?

I was more disappointed and bewildered by the principal of the staff not accommodating my needs, rather than going in by myself for the interview. However, it’s all done and finished now and I’m certainly losing no sleep over it. =)

THANKS FOR READING

Bell and Aiz Artwork Endcard

All I just have to do now is play the waiting game… by reading the rest of Is It Wrong to Try to Pick Up Girls in a Dungeon? Light Novel Volume 2. =D That’s such an awesome book and anime and I’m really enjoying it. For all I know the passport people might refuse my application but I’m pretty confident that they’ll accept it. =)

Thanks for Reading. =)

Namaste.^^/

Ryan.

Insecurities

Happy

Autumn Tidings!^^/

 

  1. Insecurities

Some of us have personal insecurities that others know nothing about, some more than others. Insecurities tend to arise through lack of confidence or through a bad experience. For me, I suffered with insecurities when I was younger.

My past insecurities were centred on Autism and to some degree I still have these insecurities. I never really communicated with anyone or spoke with anyone until I was about ten years old. I felt comfortable enough to try and speak but I never felt comfortable in social situations. I started to grow my own personality and sense of self when at home. But, for many years, especially in my college years, I left my personality, quirks and everything I represent at home. When I walked out of the front door, I felt very insecure and anxious.

I was fairly ok at my school. I attended there for 13 years and I grew accustom to it. It was quite a culture shock when I left school and attended college on a full time basis. Back at that SEN school there was an average of 30 students per year. In my last year, there were even less than that. Suddenly, I went to a facility from 30 students to 30,000 students… quite a significant difference, especially for someone like me.

I can’t express how quiet I was, I severely lacked confidence. For many college years I was very quiet and subdued as I was overwhelmed by the amount of people, big place and different atmosphere. Back at my old school I was somewhat confident and could somewhat be myself. In my college days I completely held my personality back, leaving it all at home.

I didn’t know how to represent myself to everyone else. I was often judged for being quirky during various activities during school and outside of school. So, I figured the same thing would happen in my college years. So, to avoid being judged, I kept quiet. If I didn’t do anything bad or say anything memorable then I won’t develop an unnecessary reputation or leave an impression. Because of my conflicting thoughts I never truly enjoyed my college years and at times felt lonely. I felt lonely in other social situations too. All because I was scared of others judging me for being the way I am.

I often mention in my blogs that Autism is the root of my insecurities and it still plays a part today. Back in my younger years I felt very vulnerable and hopeless. I’m happy talking to other people like me, but, if I go to an Autistic environment I get a rush of anxiety. I don’t hate myself for being Autistic, far from it, it’s just that when I go to an Autistic environment my body and subconscious remembers what I was like back then. In those situations I remember feeling vulnerable, feeling worthless and feeling as though I have no voice or a right to make my own decision. It’s unfortunate that I have these insecurities, but, they’re not as bad as they were in the past. It’s just an intermittent occurrence.^^

 

  1. Body Image

Body image has never really been an issue for me. When I was younger I started to grow hairy legs. Every time I did P.E. all the girls would laugh at them. As I result I became embarrassed and self-conscious. It was only until I got to college that I realised that having hairy legs is not uncommon for a man, so, accepting that part of me was not a problem. One of the children I once knew used to call me a monkey as a result of having hairy legs… that was funny and I had no problem accepting that whimsical nickname. XD

I would say that I’m more health conscious rather than looks/weight conscious. All food is healthy if you eat it in a balanced manner. I actually go out of my own way to ensure that I have chocolate and biscuits at least two or three times a week… life is good. =D

 

  1. The Way I am

My issue is all about me expressing myself and being myself in social situations. It’s only these last couple of years that I could leave the house without leaving my sense of self behind. I’m in a really good frame of mind and in good health. I like the way I look as well, if I wasn’t happy with how I look, then, I would have overhauled my entire appearance. Haha.

I feel that my life is the work of fate. There’s a reason why I grew up this way. There’s a reason why I look the way I do. There’s a reason why I experienced what I have experienced. And there must be a reason as to why I was born Autistic… I feel quite special (no reference intended) for being the way I am. I feel like being Autistic was thrust upon me since birth, just like how a title is thrust upon the future King or Queen of England. =)

 

  1. Parting Wisdom

In the last yoga session the yogi instructor finished the session with a wonderful valediction (yes, that is a word, I didn’t make it up…honest!). She said that we all have the capabilities of changing the world but we shouldn’t get caught up in the troubles of the world. Don’t let the world influence you, you influence the world! I rather like that sentiment and I will try and steal those words and say them to someone. Muahahaha.

 

THANKS FOR READING

Well, that was fun. Oh, by the way, I watched classic movies recently like High Society and Dances with Wolves, they’re fun to watch. I’m also spending the time re-watching Non Non Biyori and Locodol. I’m attempting small fanmade comics of them for my own use. I’m enjoying them very much. =D

 

Thanks for reading.

 

Sayonara.^^/

Ryan

Grudges

ImageGood Friday! ^^/

 

Are you the type of person who holds grudges? I was, I had many in fact.

 

Growing up was painful in many aspects, especially if you can’t communicate well. I sometimes would say things that were rude and not realise that they were rude. Or, I said things I knew were rude but I didn’t know how to explain myself. I was a bit scared to explain why I said things in case I was being judged. I didn’t want to do anything that was deemed as “wrong” or do anything to tarnish my ‘polite gentleman’ reputation known to everyone.

 

It did feel that I was often judged because of the things I said. I would receive a stern telling off for being “rude” and “ignorant” and generally having no manners. I was always fighting a losing battle and not being able to explain my actions was extremely painful and it somewhat scarred me. Later on in life I received harsher warnings and criticisms if I made a mistake or messed something up that put everyone out.

 

So, I ended up having a grudge against many people, especially my teachers. From my point of view they showed no interest in trying to understand my needs. Or rather, they thought they knew me but really they didn’t know a thing. I felt they were being cruel for no reason. It was always a losing battle. I would sit back and let them tell me off for being “rude” because I knew if I attempted to explain, or I would be accused of “answering back”.  It always a ‘heads you win, tales, I lose’ situation.

 

They looked from their point of view and never tried to look from mine. Did they think that I wanted to be rude? How did they think I would feel when they were constantly reminding me of my mistakes? It’s not like I ever intended to be rude or deliberately get things wrong. So, why did everyone have to yell at me for doing something or saying something unintentional? Many emotions and many thoughts ran amok through my mind.

 

I think really, because it was an SEN school we were bought up to be polite “ladies” and polite “gentlemen”. When we greeted anyone, we were expected to shake hands as it was the “right thing” to do. But realistically shaking hands would only happen during formal occasions not on a daily basis. All in all I think that they were trying hard to make me into a “man” that they lost sight of me as a person. So, if I said anything “rude” or did anything “wrong” my teachers were quick to let me know.

 

As you can imagine, I had little confidence when I left school. I was scared to have my own personality and make friends with people in case I was judged or I said the wrong thing. This is where some of my grudges came from. I had a grudge towards many people as I felt I was never given the freedom to be myself, instead, I had to act in different ways to meet certain people’s “expectations.”

 

Now I’m a lot older I realised, naturally, that there are many people with many colourful personalities. So, why could I not have my own personality? My confidence sky rocketed towards the latter part of my Uni days and I like to think that I have an identity that I call my own. Many different people accepted me for the person I was and this made me feel more confident about myself.  I gradually relaxed more and made some friends. =)

 

It still felt bitter though, because I felt that I did miss out on making friends in my younger days.  Not now though. How I am right now has nothing to do with my past self. I’m in a good place and I have no need to bear grudges against the “scars” of my past. We can think about the past, we can consider what happens tomorrow but we all actually live for the moment. So that’s why I’m no longer caught up with living in the past. I am here, right now, sharing this story with a smile on my face. I’m in a good frame of mind.

 

It’s important to bear in mind that people who misunderstood me did not necessarily act out of malice, but out of ignorance and lack of consideration. That’s how I see it.

 

Ahem-

 

I’m not thinking about the past (at least until I was writing this blog, haha) I’m thinking; which food shall I eat now? Which new Anime shall I watch now? I hope Date A Live is available on Crunchyroll. Should I re-watch D-Frag? I fancy writing some notes of my story. I partly fancy drawing a fanart of Kirisaki Onodera from Nisekoi: False Love. I also want to watch the Simpsons on Sky One. Haha.

 

What do I feel like doing now?

 

That’s the question I always ask myself, and it’s the question that I’m asking myself right now. =D I felt like writing this blog so I wrote this blog in the given moment. But this moment is going to turn old in ten minutes time. So that’s why I never think about the past or future, I just live for the now. =)

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Easter is finally here. =D I’m going to have a hot cross bun for dinner, will you? I wonder if the Easter Bunny will bring me chocolate this year? I guess I’ll find out next week. Haha!

 

Hope you have a wonderful weekend and a wonderful Easter.

 

Namaste^^/

Ryan